Phyllis Diller

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Phyllis Diller

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Phyllis Diller

Living in Hollywood is like living in a lit cigar butt.

Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Phyllis Diller

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

Phyllis Diller

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

Phyllis Diller