Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller
Living in Hollywood is like living in a lit cigar butt.
Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Phyllis Diller
You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
Phyllis Diller