We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

More from Phyllis Diller

• Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
• Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
• I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
• Living in Hollywood is like living in a lit cigar butt.
• Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
• You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.