You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

More from Phyllis Diller

• Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
• Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
• I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
• Living in Hollywood is like living in a lit cigar butt.
• We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
• Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.