He’s looking so geeky he couldn’t even get into a science-fiction convention.
Ace Rimmer
TV quotes
Red Dwarf
Smoke me a kipper, I’ll be back for breakfast.
Ace Rimmer
You're disgusting! You're only after me for one thing!
Arnold Rimmer
So what do we do?
Cat
Yeah, it’s awful, man, when a woman screws you up so bad you want to become a squirrel.
Cat
You are my NEMESIS! One day, our paths will cross again, and I will destroy you!!
Dispenser Machine
Engage drive. Drive engaged. Initialise ignition sequence. Ignition sequence initialised.
Holly
I know what I did wrong last time. It’s a mistake any deranged, half-witted computer could have made.
Holly
I've got to admit it'I've flamingoed up.
Holly
I don't know about this. I've never been seduced by Predeterminism Theory before.
Kristine Kochanski
At 0700 hours tomorrow morning my shutdown disc will be activated and all mental and physical operations will cease.
Kryten
Don't you believe that God exists in all things? Aren't you a Pantheist?
Kryten
I’m up and down more often than a pair of kangaroos in the mating season!
Kryten
I'm up and down more often than a pair of kangaroos in the mating season! DNA
Kryten
I was just idly flicking through an electrical appliance catalogue. I came across the section on super deluxe vacuum cleaners, and suddenly my underpant elastic was catapulted across the Medical Bay.
Kryten
My goodness, I do believe I’m drunk. I suddenly feel the need to strut my funky stuff!
Kryten
The only truly terrible thing is that as my adopted owner, you have to die with me.
Kryten
This is the inquisitor. He prunes away the wastrels, expunges the wretched, and deletes the worthless.
Kryten
What would you say to a glass of drinking chocolate?
Kryten
Come on, what are you, a man or a munchkin?
Lister
Come with us back to Dallas, November 1963. Be a second gunman. The gunman behind the grassy knoll.
Lister
Hey, we did it!
Lister
I prefer something slightly more melodious. Like the long, drawn-out death rattle of a man suffering from terminal flatulence.
Lister
It's just a box with "STOP" and "START" on it!
Lister
It's really debilitating being crazy about somebody. You lose 20 IQ points every time you see them.
Lister
Love is what separates us from the animals.
Lister
Put simply, by killing us they killed themselves, because once we were dead it was impossible for us to become them in the future, and return in time to kill ourselves in the past, even though it was the present.
Lister
Lister sings “Lunar City Seven”. RIMMER: Lister, have you ever been hit over the head with a welding mallot?
Rimmer
"To the lease holder of Kryten 2X4B 523P." That's your full name?
Lister
We're on a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space. Can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?
Lister
What's that mark on your face, Hol?
Lister
Ace and Skipper?! You sound like a kids' TV series about a boy and his bush kangaroo!
Rimmer
He's reached the pinnacle of evolution. He's human.
Rimmer
I had to get out of there. He's driving me nuts. I cannot stand front-seat drivers.
Rimmer
I just wanted to say that, over the years, I have come to regard you as … people I met.
Rimmer
I just wanted to say that, over the years, I have come to regard you as ... people I met. Holoship
Rimmer
I’m organised, I’m dedicated to my career, I’ve always got a pen. Result? Total smeghead despised by everyone except the ship’s parrot. And that’s only because we haven’t got one.
Rimmer
I'm organised, I'm dedicated to my career, I've always got a pen. Result? Total smeghead despised by everyone except the ship's parrot. And that's only because we haven't got one. Thanks for the Memory
Rimmer
I never agreed with my parents' religion but I wouldn't dream of knocking it.
Rimmer
It's not easy you know to come in every night, look in that mirror, and see a guy nobody likes.
Rimmer
I used to be with the Samaritans.
Rimmer
I've seen Westerns, I know how to speak cowboy. (to bartender) Dry white wine and Perrier please. And what about you two chaps?
Rimmer
Kryten, kindly get to the point before I jam your nose between your cheeks and make it the filling of a buttocks sandwich.
Rimmer
Look, I think we’ve all got something to bring to this conversation, but I think that from now on what you should bring is silence.
Rimmer
Look, I think we've all got something to bring to this conversation, but I think that from now on what you should bring is silence. Gunmen of the Apocalypse
Rimmer
Look, Lister, no point feeling sorry about Holly. It's a kindness. Like a blind old incontinent sheepdog, he's had his day. Take him out to the barn with a double-barreled shot-gun and blow the mother away. And I'm only saying that because I'm so fond of him.
Rimmer
Oh yeah? Well, as the Esperanto would say, "Bonvoro alsendi la pordiston, lausajne estas rano en mia bideo!" And I think we all know what that means.
Rimmer
Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit. Four super brushes to tackle even the trickiest of sea-bound mammals. Yes, I am over 18, although my IQ isn't.
Rimmer
So Lister what are you telling us? You're a closet squirrel? Behind closed doors you parade up and down with a strap-on bushy tail, calling yourself Nutkin?
Rimmer
The world loves a bastard!
Rimmer
They've been naughty boys, haven't they, Mr. Flibble?
Rimmer
We can't afford to take any chances. Jump up to red alert.
Rimmer
Well, at least he gets 24 hours' notice. That's more than most of us get. All most of us get is 'Mind that bus', 'What bus?', splat! How's he taking it?
Rimmer
Well, if you have any more problems with nothing or things that don’t matter, just scream out my name hysterically and I’ll come pelting down the corridor!
Rimmer
Well, if you have any more problems with nothing or things that don't matter, just scream out my name hysterically and I'll come pelting down the corridor! Future Echoes
Rimmer
We’re not getting out of here in one piece, or if we do, it’ll be one big flat piece.
Rimmer
We're not getting out of here in one piece, or if we do, it'll be one big flat piece. Gunmen of the Apocalypse
Rimmer
What are you talking about?
Rimmer
Yes, but Rimmer Directive 217 states just as clearly, "No chance you metal bastard."
Rimmer