Father Ted — Characters

A black clerical collar with a white tab rests on a red velvet cushion beside a pink carnation. — Original artwork

Dougal, how did you get into the church? Was it like, “Collect twelve crisp packets and become a priest”?

Father Ted

A priest kneels arranging tiny toy cows on a caravan floor while another sits by a rain-streaked window showing real cows far off. — Original artwork

Father Ted is demonstrating some plastic toy cows to Dougal. Father Ted: …OK, one last time. These are small… but the ones out there are far away. Small… far away…

Father Ted

An olive-green rotary telephone sits beside a small white cotton cloud connected to its curled cord against lilac. — Original artwork

Old women are closer to God than we’ll ever be. They get to that age and they don’t need the operator anymore. They’ve got the direct line.

Father Ted

Two priests in black stand in the rain outside a small seaside cinema on Craggy Island, each holding a blank cardboard placard on a stick, in a grey and green screen-print style. — Original artwork

Down with this sort of thing. / Careful now.

Father Ted

That money was just resting in my account before I moved it on!

Father Ted

My lovely horse, running through the fields, where are you going with your fetlocks blowing in the wind?

Father Ted

Look out there Mary! Doesn't Mary have a lovely bottom?

Father Ted

At the kitchen table Dougal gestures in alarm while Ted listens with a pained, patient face over a teapot; behind them a Sacred Heart statue and a rack of drying black clerical shirts. — Original artwork

God Ted, I've heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black... / No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism you're talking about there.

Father Ted

Oh God, we're in the Lingerie! Dougal. We're in Lingerie!

Father Ted