Father Ted

You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!

Bishop Brennan

(shouting at a large crowd of elderly ladies) Go away! I don’t want to catch the menopause!

Eoin McLove

(shouting at a large crowd of elderly ladies) Go away! I don't want to catch the menopause! Night of the Nearly Dead

Eoin McLove

It’s like a big tide of jam coming towards us, but jam made out of old women.

Father Dougal

It's like a big tide of jam coming towards us, but jam made out of old women. Night of the Nearly dead

Father Dougal

Dougal, how did you get into the church? Was it like, “Collect twelve crisp packets and become a priest”?

Father Ted

Dougal, how did you get into the church? Was it like, "Collect twelve crisp packets and become a priest"? Grant unto Him Eternal Rest

Father Ted

Father Ted is demonstrating some plastic toy cows to Dougal. Father Ted: …OK, one last time. These are small… but the ones out there are far away. Small… far away…

Father Ted

Father Ted is demonstrating some plastic toy cows to Dougal. Father Ted: ...OK, one last time. These are small... but the ones out there are far away. Small... far away... Hell

Father Ted

Old women are closer to God than we’ll ever be. They get to that age and they don’t need the operator anymore. They’ve got the direct line.

Father Ted