Name: Father Ted
Genre: sitcom
Cast: Dermot Morgan, Ardal O'Hanlon, Frank Kelly, Pauline McLynn, Jim Norton

A pointed purple-and-gold ceremonial hat rests on a gold cushion beside a tiny yellow rubber duck. — Original artwork

You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!

Bishop Brennan

A small golden megaphone faces five pale buttons on burgundy fabric. — Original artwork

(shouting at a large crowd of elderly ladies) Go away! I don’t want to catch the menopause!

Eoin McLove

A curling wave of crimson jam surrounds small folded cloth pieces on a blue-and-white plate. — Original artwork

It’s like a big tide of jam coming towards us, but jam made out of old women.

Father Dougal

A black clerical collar with a white tab rests on a red velvet cushion beside a pink carnation. — Original artwork

Dougal, how did you get into the church? Was it like, “Collect twelve crisp packets and become a priest”?

Father Ted

A priest kneels arranging tiny toy cows on a caravan floor while another sits by a rain-streaked window showing real cows far off. — Original artwork

Father Ted is demonstrating some plastic toy cows to Dougal. Father Ted: …OK, one last time. These are small… but the ones out there are far away. Small… far away…

Father Ted

An olive-green rotary telephone sits beside a small white cotton cloud connected to its curled cord against lilac. — Original artwork

Old women are closer to God than we’ll ever be. They get to that age and they don’t need the operator anymore. They’ve got the direct line.

Father Ted

Two priests in black stand in the rain outside a small seaside cinema on Craggy Island, each holding a blank cardboard placard on a stick, in a grey and green screen-print style. — Original artwork

Down with this sort of thing. / Careful now.

Father Ted

That would be an ecumenical matter.

Father Jack

Drink! Feck! Arse! Girls!

Father Jack

Feck off, cup!

Father Jack

That money was just resting in my account before I moved it on!

Father Ted

Go on, go on, go on, go on...

Mrs Doyle

Dougal and Ted lean on a garden gate beside the parochial house, Dougal grinning in wonder while Ted points at a cow standing on top of a dry-stone wall above the sea. — Original artwork

That's mad, Ted.

Father Dougal

My lovely horse, running through the fields, where are you going with your fetlocks blowing in the wind?

Father Ted

We're all going to heaven lads, wahey!

Father Dougal

Ted, Dougal and a moustached Cuban priest play a board game in the parochial sitting room as, through the big window, a small helicopter trails smoke low over the grey fields. — Original artwork

Looks like rain, Ted.

Father Dougal

A vast crowd of older women in headscarves and raincoats fills the fields around the lone white parochial house, while Dougal peers out calmly from an upstairs window. — Original artwork

I'm no good at judging the size of crowds, but I'd say there's around seventeen million of them out there.

Father Dougal

Look out there Mary! Doesn't Mary have a lovely bottom?

Father Ted

Tony, I'm putting you on my list of enemies.

Father Noel Furlong

I love my brick!

Father Jack

At the kitchen table Dougal gestures in alarm while Ted listens with a pained, patient face over a teapot; behind them a Sacred Heart statue and a rack of drying black clerical shirts. — Original artwork

God Ted, I've heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black... / No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism you're talking about there.

Father Ted

I hear you're a racist now, Father!

Colm

A furious priest with a mallet points at a smashed bookshelf and broken chair in the parochial sitting room while Father Ted cowers by the door with his hands up. — Original artwork

Cowboys, Ted. They're a bunch of cowboys!

Father Liam Deliverance

A scruffy young priest with a cigarette sits on a stone wall with a football under his foot, quizzing a panicked Dougal outside the parochial house as a stern older priest strides out of the door. — Original artwork

Which one do you prefer, Oasis or Blur?

Father Damien Lennon

Oh God, we're in the Lingerie! Dougal. We're in Lingerie!

Father Ted

Father Hiroshima Twinkie? Father Stig Bubblecard?

Mrs Doyle