Mr. Simpson, get the hell outta my store. Please come again.
Apu
Do you promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Bailiff
Your infatuation is based on a physical attraction. Talk to the woman and you'll realize you have nothing in common.
Barney
Ah, man! I’m only ten and I already have two mortal enemies!
Bart
Don't have a cow, man.
Bart
I'm looking for a Mr. Jass. First name Hugh.
Bart
Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here?
Bart
Please dad?
Bart
The Flanders' are a bunch of geeks, man.
Bart
Well, I believe you dad.
Bart
What's everyone's problem? I'm glad we're stranded. It'll be just like the Swiss Family Robinson, only with more cursing. We're gonna live like kings. Damn hell ass kings!
Bart
What the hell is this?
Bart
Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Billy Corgan
Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?
Burns
He's a madman! I must reach Smithers! Now, how does this telephone machine work? I've seen others use it, let's see S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S. By jove it worked! It's ringing!
Burns
Honestly, Smithers, I don't even know why Harvard continues to show up. Why, they barely even won.
Burns
I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing there are too many fat children.
Burns
I know I should be resisting but I'm paralized with rage...and island rythms.
Burns
"You have 30 minutes to move your car", "You have 10 minutes","Your car has been impounded", "Your car has been crushed into a cube", "You have 30 minutes to move your cube".
Burn's Messages read by Homer
Well, what do you want then?
Burns
Who was that young hellcat, Smithers?
Burns
You're not as stupid as you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates.
Burns
Good luck, Ralphie. If your nose starts bleeding, it means you're picking it too much. Or not enough.
Chief Wiggum
Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me Chief Piggum!
Chief Wiggum
Last night's 'Itchy and Scratchy Show' was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, I was on the internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
Comic Book Guy
No banging your head against the display case, please. It contains a rare copy of Mary Worth in which she has advised a friend to commit suicide.
Comic Book Guy
Oh loneliness and cheeseburgers are a deadly combination.
Comic Book Guy
Now there are many options available for dangerously underweight individuals like yourself. I recommend a slow steady gorging process combined with assal horizontology.
Dr. Nick
Calm down, Neddilly-diddily-diddily-diddily.... They did their best.... Shoddilly-iddily-iddily-diddly... Gotta be nice.... hostility-ility-bility-dility- Aw, hell, diddly-ding-dong-crap! Can't you morons do anything right?
Flanders
I've done everything the bible says. Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff.
Flanders
Oh no! Not today, not to Gil! I could feel that sale. I was in the zone!
Gil
Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three.
Grandpa
Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.
Grandpa
I haven't felt this relaxed and carefree since I was watch commander at Pearl Harbor.
Grandpa
I'm filled with piss n' vinegar! ... at first I was just filled with vinegar.
Grandpa
I'm going to the outhouse.
Grandpa
I used to be with 'it', but then they changed what 'it' was. Now what I'm with isn't 'it' anymore and what's 'it' seems weird and scary.
Grandpa
Ow! Today's grass is much sharper than the grass in my day.
Grandpa
Pull your chair closer, my son.
Grandpa
Aah! Hey, get off my sugar. Bad bees! Bad! Ow. Oww! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow!
Homer
(after shooting zombie Flanders in the head)Flanders was a zombie?!
Homer
A hundred bucks? For a comic book? Who drew it, Micha-ma-langelo?
Homer
Aww there's only one beer left and it's Bart's!
Homer
Can I at least make you coffee Mr. Burns?
Homer
Could you open the window? The cops have daddy's prints on file.
Homer
Every time I learn something new, a little of the old gets pushed outta my brain, remember that time I took that wine making course and forgot how to drive?
Homer
Flanders was a zombie?
Homer
God bless those Pagans.
Homer
Hello. My name is Mr. Burns.
Homer
Hmm. I guess Bart's not to blame. He's lucky, too, because it's spanking season, and I got a hankerin' for some spankerin'.
Homer
Homer no function beer well without.
Homer
How 'bout it, Bart? Would you like a backyard BBQ pit?
Homer
I like my beers cold and my homosexuals flaming.
Homer
I love you, honey.
Homer
I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman.
Homer
I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I'll just reach in and pull my legs out ... now I'll pull my arms out with my face.
Homer
I sure could go for a hot dog right about now.
Homer
It's like a friggin country bear jambaroo around here.
Homer
Listen to 'em. Watchin' my television. Sittin' on my couch. You better not be in my ass groove!
Homer
Marge, can we trade? I don't trust these guys.
Homer
Marge, we had a deal. Your sisters don't come here after six and I stop eating your lipstick.
Homer
Maybe for once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding 'You're making a scene'.
Homer
Mel Brooks is Jewish?
Homer
Mmmm...64 slices of American Cheese. 63. 62....
Homer
No beer and T.V. make Homer something something...
Homer
Homer:No beer and T.V. make Homer something something... Marge:Go crazy? Homer:Don't mind if I do!
Now I've had my head in an elephant, a hippo, and a giant sloth.
Homer
Oh Lisa! You and your stories! Bart's a vampire! Beer kills brain cells! Now let's go back to that...building...thingie...where our beds and TV...is.
Homer
Oh no! Aliens! Bio-duplication! Nude consperesicies! Oh my God! Linden Lerouche was right!!
Homer
Oh, they have the internet on computers now!
Homer
Okay it's the standard Grandpa Drill, everyone into the cellar!
Homer
OOoooo! Look at me Marge! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from happy land! In case you couldn't tell, I was being sarcastic!
Homer
People die all the time, just like that. Why you could wake up dead tomorrow.....Well, goodnight!
Homer
Please, Marge. How often can I see a movie of this caliber on late night tv?
Homer
Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves.
Homer
Homer streaks through the kitchen Patty: There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.
Patty
Stupid cats. With their fancy footwork and their crafty schemes to steal all my smelts!
Homer
The human wang is a beautiful thing.
Homer
To alcohol - the cause of, and solution to all of life's problems.
Homer
Trying is the first step towards failure.
Homer
Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know that so called 'Volunteers' don't even get paid?
Homer
Well, honey, what do you like? Tuba-ma-ba? Oba-ma-bo? That one? Saxa-ma-phone?
Homer
When you’re an experienced woodsman, you get a feel for these things. It’s like a third sense.
Homer
Whoops. Sorry, son. I didn't know you, Jay Leno, and a monkey were bathing a clown.
Homer
Why won't you be art?!
Homer
Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!
Homer
Your suitcase is light.
Homer
What? AHH!!..... I call for one of those bad court thingies!
Hutz
It Was a Very Good Beer When I was 17, I drank some very good beer. I drank some very good beer, I purchased with a fake I.D. My name was Brian McGee. I stayed up listening to Queen. When I was 17.
Uh, who shot who in the what now?
Jasper
A Noble Spirit Embiggens the Smallest Man.
Jebadiah Springfield
My fellow Americans, as a young boy I dreamed of being a baseball. But tonight I say we must move forward, not backward! Upward, not forward! And always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!!!
Kang (as Clinton)
It's true! We are aliens! But what are you going to do about it? It's a two party system! You have to vote for one of us!
Kang
Could this record-breaking heat wave be the result of the dreaded 'Greenhouse Effect'? Well, if 70-degree days in the middle of winter are the `price' of car pollution, you'll forgive me if I keep my old Pontiac.
Kent Brockman
Police say the fake Pope can be easily recognized by his high-top sneakers and incredibly foul mouth.
Kent Brockman
Senator Dole, why should people vote for you instead of President Clinton?
Kent Brockman
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: democracy simply-doesn’t-work.
Kent
Lock your doors and bar your windows, because the next advertisement you see could destroy your house and eat your family.
Kent
Would you like to hear my award-winning secrect? Try public interest stories, they target the heart and fog the mind.
Kent
Would you like to hear my award-winning secret? Try public interest stories, they target the heart and fog the mind.
Kent
I sleep in a racecar. Do you sleep in a racecar?
Kirk VanHouten
Abortions for all!
Kodos (as Bob Dole)
Ladies and gentleman of the jury! Who do you find more attractive, Mel Gibson or Tom Cruise?
Lawyer 1
Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film 'The Neverending Story'
Lionel Hutz
Can't talk ... coming down.
Lisa
Dad, what's a Muppet?
Lisa
I'm an ugmo.
Lisa
I'm impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt.
Lisa
I still believe in protecting animal's rights, but that still doesn't excuse what I did. I'm sorry for wrecking your barbecue, dad.
Lisa
I think it's ironic that it was dad's weight that allowed him to plug the hole, while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death.
Lisa
It is better to remain silent and be thought the fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Lisa
No thanks. Do you have anything with fruit?
Lisa
They call it physical education, but it feels like gym to me.
Lisa
What's inside of you?
Lisa
Are you wearing a grocery bag?
Madam
Bart, stop pestering Satan!
Marge
Grandpa, are you sitting in the apple pie?
Marge
Grandpa, why are there only 49 stars on that flag?
Marge
Homer, is that my good butter?
Marge
Honey, I'm so glad you're home.
Marge
How were you a political prisoner?
Marge
If you raise three children who can knock out and hog tie a perfect stranger, you must be doing something right.
Marge
I'll just have a coffee.
Marge
Is everything okay? I got worried when I didn't hear any shots.
Marge
It's time we opened up a can of whoop tooshie on this situation.
Marge
Now, how are we going to get my Homey back?
Marge
Now you're overstimulated. Let's get some beer in you and then straight into bed!
Marge
The monkey's on my part of the sofa.
Marge
There's going to be twice as much love in the house as there was before.
Marge
There's no shame in being a pariah.
Marge
Well, Ralph, you sound like a very imaginative little boy.
Marge
What exactly is it your company does again?
Marge
Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?
Mayor Quimby
I can’t go on. You two go ahead. And carry me with you.
Milhouse
If you put dog doo on the suction cups, they'll stick better.
Milhouse
Remember when he ate my goldfish, then you said I never had a goldfish? Then why did I have the bowl Bart? WHY DID I HAVE THE BOWL?!
Milhouse
So this is what it's like when doves cry....
Milhouse
Homer, What's wrong?
Mindy
Awww, ain't that cute? Makes Little Debbie look like a pile of puke!
Mo
If I ever get ahold of you I’m gonna rip your eyes out of their sockets and shove ’em down your pants so that you can watch me kick the crap outta you!
Moe
If this gets out, the next words you say will be muffled by your own butt.
Moe
The new fryer's here! I bought it used from the navy. You could flash-fry a buffallo in 40 seconds in that baby.
Moe
You're a pig. Barney's a pig. Larry's a pig. we're all pigs... once in a while, we can crawl out of the slop, hose ourselves off, and act like human beings.
Mo
Homer, I want you to show this woman the time of her life.
Mr. Burns
Ketchup. Catsup. Ketchup. Catsup. I'm in over my head.
Mr. Burns
Smithers, I want you to arrange a party for two at my estate. Marge, me, and do you think you could dig up Al Jolston?
Mr. Burns
Well Smithers, another Friday night is upon us, What will you be doing? Something gay no doubt?
Mr. Burns
Who is this Homer Simpson?
Mr. Burns
All right, Homer. We want you to re-create your every move the night you saw this alien.
Mulder
What's the point of this test, Scully?
Mulder
This is one small step to firing your ass!
Neil Armstong
Ha ha!
Nelson
Hey, Millhouse, I heard your parents are getting divorced.
Nelson
Society Blows.
Nelson
Come on, Bart. We don't want to over stimulate these people. They just had pudding.
Nursing home nurse
Oh Mindy Oh Mindy, You came and you gave without flaking, But I sent you Ben-gay, Oh Andy, You kissed me and stopped me from something…
Oh Mindy, You came and you gave without flaking, But I sent you Ben-gay, Oh Andy, You kissed me and stopped me from something...
The Simpsons
Well do us all a favour and invent yourself some underpants!
Passerby
Alright, Martin. For your community service, you'll be setting up a midnight basketball program for inner city street gangs.
Principal Skinner
Do you kids wanna be like the real U.N., or do you just wanna squabble and waste time?
Principal Skinner
Milhouse? Do you like the beach?
Principal Skinner
This so-called new religion is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants designed to take away the money of fools. Now, let's say the Lord's Prayer forty times, but first let's pass the collection plate.
Rev. Lovejoy
Are you the "Beer Baron"?
Rex Banner
Bust in here and take it? You must be stupider than you look.
Shelbyville man
Yes, I'm aware of the hypocrisy of appearing on television in order to decry it, so don't bother pointing that out.
Sideshow Bob
His brand of gum- Doublemint. Trying to double your fun, eh, Bart? Well, I’ll double your detention. I wish someone was around to hear that.
Skinner
Oh, you think this stolen 'H' is a laugh riot, don't you? Well, I'll tell you something that's not so funny: right now Superintendent Chalmers is at home crying like a little girl! Well, I guess that is a little funny.
Skinner
Uh oh, two independent thought alarms in one day. The children are overstimulated. Willie remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.
Skinner
If Mr. Burns wants to see a stranger he will look at him through a high-powered telescope.
Smithers
Sir, there may never be another time to say... I love you, sir.
Smithers
How come when I heard the word ‘school’ followed by the word ‘exploded’ I immediately thought of the word SKINNER!?
Superintendant Chalmers
When I was 17, I drank some very good beer. I drank some very good beer, I purchased with a fake I.D. My name was Brian McGee. I stayed up listening to Queen. When I was 17.
The Simpsons
Okay, folks, show's over. Nothing to see here, show's... Oh my God! A horrible plane crash! Hey, everybody, get a load of this flaming wreckage! Come on, crowd around, crowd around! Don't be shy, crowd around!
Wiggum